Finally the last month of a very challenging year is here. The new year promises a fresh beginning and as we look ahead in anticipation and hope of better days to come, to make a fresh start we have to let go of all the bad memories from this torrid past year. Unfortunately, for countless families across the globe who lost their loved ones to this vicious virus, letting go and moving on isn’t as easy. Far from that, letting go, even of the pain, can feel like an uphill climb.
As humans, we’re attached to our past much more than we choose to admit. All those life experiences, including the painful and heart-wrenching ones, make us feel complete. And releasing even a part of the past can create a fear of losing a part of ourselves with it. Even when it comes to letting go of grief from the intense loss of a loved one, we often prefer to live in the past rather than move on, for that’s where our loved one still remains. We try to hold onto every ounce of them. Whether it’s to feel their touch through their belongings, or feel their presence by revisiting places of which we have fond memories of togetherness. Letting go of this invisible thread can be like breaking off the last contact we have left. It’s as hard as losing a loved one all over again!
Grief is the human response to loss. It’s real and ignoring it doesn’t lessen it or make it go away. So there is no way around or out of this pain. While we will always remember our loved ones, it will take us a while to move from the eyes welling up, to the lips parting in a smile, each time we do. It’s entirely a personal process of how much time one needs to mourn, to feel the loss and pain, to accept it as raw and overwhelming as it comes. For some it’s about finding answers and closure to questions that prevent them from accepting reality. For others, it’s a gradual process of grieving, followed by letting go, and finally, healing.
It’s true that life will never be the same. But life will still go on. And another fact this pandemic keeps reinforcing is that time is at a premium. In order to live happy, fulfilling and meaningful lives, we must get rid of the negativity from the past that weighs us down. In his book titled, The Power of Letting Go: How to Drop Everything That’s Holding You Back, the author John Purkiss writes about an array of things that can feel like a constant burden on an individual’s mind. Beginning with thoughts, labels, expectations, judgements, pain, sometimes even memories, he suggests that once we let go of them, we can expect better health and improvement in all the areas of our life. Letting go of negative emotions that lead to unhappiness and anxiety, even depression as they continue to hoard your mental space, is the first step towards moving into a better space.
Grief is the human response to loss. It’s real and ignoring it doesn’t lessen it or make it go away. So there is no way around or out of this pain. While we will always remember our loved ones, it will take us a while to move from the eyes welling up, to the lips parting in a smile, each time we do.
One of the heaviest burdens an individual carries is resentment. Like Carrie Fisher once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” If carried for too long, it can result in bitterness and a desire for revenge. Resentment is our natural response to disappointment, whether it’s from being wronged or mistreated , and letting go of it might seem like making peace with these injustices, or forgiving the culprit, which isn’t easy when looked at it that way. But a little change in perspective can give us a deeper understanding of why we were treated poorly and set us on the path of forgiveness.
The way people treat us speaks a lot about them, their mindset and less about us. Some people don’t know better, while some are themselves wounded souls and victims of past injustice, so all that they can project onto others, is their inner toxicity. Another way to overcome resentment is to express our emotions when they are new and strong instead of bottling them up and allowing anger to build within us. Through a frank discussion, seeking an answer can help to rest the matter. Even if we are dissatisfied with their reason, we have a better chance to move on.
And while we shake off the negativity and past, it also makes sense to move on from toxic people and relationships that impede our happiness. When forced to spend time together during lockdown, for many couples, the mask came off, revealing the real person and a toxic relationship that they needed to break free from. Nothing can be more physically and mentally draining than being in a toxic relationship. Toxic people take advantage of others’ kindness and no matter how much effort you put in to try and make things work, in the end it’s only you who is giving. As a result you end up feeling deprived, unloved and empty. And while it isn’t always in your hands how people behave with you, but you certainly have the power to stop them from making you feel unworthy by ending the toxic relationship.
But letting go of toxic people is a far greater struggle than one can imagine because toxic people will do all that is in their capacity to keep you under their control, manipulate you and make you believe that if you feel mistreated, it’s your fault or you deserve what you get. Guilt might force you into questioning your loyalties. But the time is now to put yourself first! To choose happiness. And for a change, a little self-compassion. Make it your new year’s resolution!
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