According to people who closely knew eighteen-year-old Salvador Ramos who shot and killed nineteen children and two teachers at Robb Elementary School, Texas, the teen had a difficult childhood and was bullied over a speech impediment. Bullying is defined by Wikipedia as ‘the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate,’ and since most of us at some point in our life have experienced some level of bullying, be it at school, on the playground, our workplace or online, we can relate to how terrible it makes the victim feel.
During childhood, when a child’s personality is still developing, bullying can have disastrous impact on the overall health making them feel isolated and rejected, leading to low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. It can also cut deeper and leave long lasting emotional scars resulting in trust and anger issues, in some cases also be the reason for interpersonal and sexual violence and substance abuse. Face-to-face bullying includes name-calling, hurtful taunts, shunning and spreading rumours about someone; physical bullying like pushing and beating is more about dominating while using digital technologies to send threats, hurtful and abusive messages, posting embarrassing content (photos and videos) of someone across social media platforms and impersonating someone, constitutes cyberbullying.
A child who is bullied might find it difficult to comprehend why they are being targeted. Questions like who’s at fault, and how to respond, confuse them further. So it’s up to parents to empower them with methods that will help them understand and deal with the situation. But children don’t often confide in grownups unless they are comfortable sharing their problems, are confident of being fully understood and of unconditional support in return. To ensure your child feels that level of comfort, you can begin by validating your child’s feelings. Don’t blame your child for being bullied and assure them that they are believed and trusted. Never downplay their distress by using terms like ‘toughen up,’ or ‘don’t be a sissy,’ or ‘stand up for yourself.’ It can also confuse the child and make them feel as if they’re the weakling, and should be more capable to tackle the situation.
Despite this, sometimes children are unable to open-up to their parents about their problems for fear of it getting worse. Bullies often threaten their victim of dire consequences if they are told. Especially when it’s someone online, children fear the repercussions could lead to confiscation of their devices or a clamp down on their social media activities. In that case the onus is upon parents to keep a watch for signs of distress. A child’s behaviour could provide the biggest cue. A sudden change of behaviour, if a child appears anxious, agitated, uneasy, moody or irritable –try and find out the reason. Change in eating and sleep habits is another tell, so is being secretive and withdrawn from social life and usual activities. Most children’s first reaction to bullying is to avoid the bully, so they tend to make up excuses to be absent from school or the place where the bully operates.
Face-to-face bullying includes name-calling, hurtful taunts, shunning and spreading rumours about someone; physical bullying like pushing and beating is more about dominating while using digital technologies to send threats, hurtful and abusive messages, posting embarrassing content (photos and videos) of someone across social media platforms and impersonating someone, constitutes cyberbullying.
Guide your child and help them respond appropriately. Make sure children understand that returning threats and responding with physical violence will only make matters worse. The best course of action will also depend upon the age of the bully and severity and type of bullying. In some cases informing the school authorities or confronting the bully’s guardian and availing a student counsellors help can sort out the matter, while others might call for more stringent, legal action. Online bullying is just as hurtful as is real life situations and can take toxic forms that include threats, harassment, breach of personal space and malicious rumours.
Educate children on ways cyberbullies operate and that it’s against the law and can be reported. Let the child know that it’s perfectly justifiable to ignore and even block the harasser and the easiest way to remove themselves from the harmful situation. Keep records of the threats and messages. There are software programmes and apps that allow parents to access their child’s online activities, but that could lead to mistrust so have an open discussion with children about the dangers and risks of sharing information online and together set privacy and safety rules they need to follow.
Since the internet allows users to be anonymous, children tend to think they can get away with anything and can sometimes turn into subtle bullies themselves. So it’s pertinent they know netiquette, which are the basic guidelines to appropriate social interaction and includes conversing online, emails and messages and interacting across social media platforms. While the internet can be deceptive, make them aware about digital permanence, leaving their digital footprint and why they must think before posting. Respect for others privacy, being kind with comments, taking consent before sharing friend’s social media content and responsible with personal information are other things they should keep in mind. Apart from ensuring a healthy online experience, it helps avoid conflict or crossing the line.
Lastly, children with a healthy self-esteem who feel good about themselves are less likely to feel inferior from bullying. They are also better equipped to handle such challenging situations. Unconditional love and appreciation from family helps a child to feel that way while strong friendship bonds reinforce it further. Assertiveness enhances a child’s self-confidence and helps them in their relationships, besides teaching them how to disagree respectfully and say no when the need be. Encourage children to spend time with friends and people who make them feel positive about themselves. Praise children for their achievements, value their efforts and hard work and make setbacks a learning experience.
Bullying is rampant and every child faces it in some form, but unconditional love, support and careful parental guidance can make life easier for them.
Images courtesy: Pallavi Banerjee
Lesley D. Biswas is a freelance writer and children’s author based in Kolkata. Her interests include nature, bird photography and cricket.
